What Stories Do You Tell Yourself?

The stories we tell ourselves are powerful. Go for a walk. If you think about how nobody cleans up after their dogs, you will see dog poop everywhere you go. Conversely, if you think about how friendly and kind your neighbors are, you will be greeted with smiles and see proof that it’s true.

This is not an endorsement for toxic positivity. There is always dog poop sometimes. However, when it comes to the pivotal pieces of your life, you can focus on where people let you down or you can focus on where people show up. You will see what you are looking for. Beautiful and amazing things exist in life and so does pain. Looking for the beauty does not erase or minimize the pain. We all have to walk through the pain sometimes too. And at the same time, the stories we tell ourselves wield power that we often don’t recognize.

A recent example in my office: a client looking at their partner’s struggles and inability to show up when they first had kids as proof that they are alone and unsupported in their marriage. This story is crippling and paves the path away from connection and straight toward divorce. However, this client’s partner is working hard to address their shortcomings and mental health issues in a way that doesn’t always happen. This could also support a narrative that their partner loves them so much they are wiling to do whatever it takes to show up for their family. The narrative this client focuses on could very well change their life and their families’ lives forever.

I’m not suggesting that you ignore pain. It is important to recognize pain. I learned this the hard way. Ignoring and suppressing pain kept me in a very painful marriage for a very long time. Acknowledging the pain and the meaning in the pain can also impact our narratives profoundly. But even painful narratives can shift dramatically depending on how we frame them. For example, ‘I was hurt and betrayed by my husband and went through a painful divorce’ feels very different from ‘I learned incredible lessons about my life and my self through a painful marriage and feel empowered to live a happier, more meaningful life moving forward as a result and I am deeply grateful for that.’

The story changes everything.

What stories are you telling yourself?

Why Can't I Move On?

Recently, a theme appeared in my office.

“Everyone is telling me I need to move on. “ “They want me to get over it.” “I feel bad talking about it anymore with my friends.” “I feel like I’m supposed to just let it go and act like it didn’t even happen and I can’t do it.”

The problem is not you. People tell friends or family to “move on” or “let it go” for reasons that have nothing to do with the person they are talking to and everything to do with themselves.

Here’s the reason why they say it:

They are uncomfortable with your feelings. They may want to fix it, but they can’t so they just want your feelings to go away. This is not about you or your inability to move on. It’s about their own discomfort with difficult emotions.

If you’re feeling stuck and unable to move on, getting support from friends, family or a therapist can help. If it’s trauma that keeps you stuck, EMDR can be life-changing. But sometimes the pace of our healing does not align with other peoples’ comfort or expectations and that’s okay.

Heal at your own pace. There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with you.

You’ll move on when you’re ready.

EMDR Intensives -- The View from Both Sides of the Couch

About ten years ago, I got trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and while I don’t use it with all of my clients, it has given me a trauma-informed lens that has changed my work with all of my clients. It has also been an amazing tool with clients who take the EMDR plunge to address their trauma.

Trauma changes the way our brains see the world.

I know this about my clients.

And me too.

Having used EMDR in my practice for a decade, I began offering EMDR Intensives last year and was amazed with the kind of progress I saw in my clients over the course of an intense and emotionally transformative week. To process so much trauma in the span of three sessions (each 3 hours long) was incredible. The radical shifts and connections my clients made inspired me. I have never seen so much growth and transformation in such a short period of time.

But I had a secret.

In all of my years practicing EMDR, I had never been on their side of the couch. And this is not because I do not have a history of trauma. I do. Like most people, I have some “big T traumas” (the kind of trauma everyone would recognize as trauma) and “small t traumas” too (the smaller developmental traumas ). I knew I wanted to do EMDR “one day” but one day always got pushed further away.

Until February 2022.

If I am being honest, I was nervous to be on the other side of the couch doing an EMDR Intensive because I didn’t know if I was ready to be as brave as my clients were. I was scared of the dark places that I knew existed within my own mind and was afraid to visit.

Still, I signed up. I flew out of state and spent a long weekend with a total stranger divulging every dark place I could think of and reprocessing my own trauma in an EMDR Intensive format.

Here’s what it was like: I cried. A lot. But it was the kind of tears that feel healing and restorative. Somehow, I was able to visit all of these excruciating moments in my past and see them with a light and warmth that didn’t exist when they were happening. I even remembered details that I had long forgotten that helped the traumatic memories make sense. My perspective on current happenings in my life shifted too.

But the greatest gift is that when a client sits down on my sofa for an EMDR Intensive, I really do have some idea of what it is they are experiencing in a way that I never truly appreciated before. I can confidently offer a journey through EMDR knowing what its like when your brain makes the connections that it needs to make in order to heal and move on from trauma.

There is a myth about EMDR Intensives: our brains can’t process that much trauma in a short span of time because we need time to recover. That has not been my experience on either side of the couch. One of the advantages to EMDR Intensives is that we can get through so much more and more quickly than we can in weekly EMDR sessions. There’s no updating on current events or closing at the end of session so we are able to get a lot of processing done. There is less interruption in the EMDR process in the EMDR Intensive format — the healing is not interrupted by week-long breaks. I felt an eagerness to keep moving and making the shifts I needed to make. I was grateful that I was able to move through so much over the span of just a few days.

Trauma changes our brain but we have the capacity to change the way our brains fire and function too. The transformation that comes from healing trauma is an awakening that I am incredibly grateful to share with my clients.

What is Emotional Intimacy and Why Does It Matter

Emotional Intimacy is at the core of healthy relationships. It bring relationships meaning and depth as it is the window that allows us to feel like our partner fully gets us and that we get them. But what does it look like and how do you get it? That’s the tricky part.

Recently, a client shared with me about how he told his wife that he was hurting and struggling and exhausted and why (if you’re a young parent, you will likely identify with his pain). His wife then expressed to him that she was sad and exhausted and hurting too. He saw her pain and felt terrible for adding to it. He saw this moment as a low and was surprised by my reaction — it was not a low, it was incredibly meaningful. He was able to express his feelings and she held space for him. When she shared her pain, he saw her, empathized and held space for her. They saw, understood, validated and empathized with each other. They felt connected through the struggle. They didn’t solve all of their problems in this conversation or maybe even any of them, but they were in it together and there for each other. This is what emotional intimacy looks like— being able to share and hold space for raw, vulnerable truths with kindness, compassion and love.

As humans, we desperately want to feel seen and understood. Like it or not, we are wired to be relational. When we feel seen, we feel connected in the relationship. Being seen means sharing difficult feelings like sadness, anger and hurt, and also the positive emotions like excitement, play and joy. While emotional intimacy deepens romantic relationships and may be more raw and vulnerable in romantic relationships, it is also meaningful and connective in relationships with friends, family, and kids.

Being seen like this, that emotional intimacy, gives us the sense in relationships that we matter and our feelings are worthy.  Thus, we are worthy. Even when the emotional intimacy stems from difficult or painful feelings, it allows us to feel worthy in it as we are seen and understood even in our rawness and vulnerability.  

How do I show up in an emotionally intimate way in relationships?  The core is resisting the urge to fix, judge, explain or intervene when someone shares how they are feeling.  This is true in all relationships, not just romantic ones.  Not sure what to do? Try to mirror, validate and empathize.  Mirroring means we literally mirror what someone is sharing so that they know we are fully listening. For example, if someone expresses feeling sad and hurt, mirroring looks like this: “you’re really hurt right now.” It is actually that simple.  Validating means we tell them that their experience makes sense and is understandable, and we commit ourselves to making this true. It’s important to let go of your own perspective for a moment and try to understand where they are coming from.  It helps so much to know that we are not crazy for having the thoughts and feelings that we experience.  Empathy is that compassionate experience when we are able to say “yeah, I can see how hard that must be” or with positive feelings, “I can see how excited you are about this.”  It feels so much more connective when someone says “that sounds really difficult” than it is when they tell us how grateful we should be and to look at the bright side.  Toxic positivity is the opposite of emotionally intimacy. You can’t make someone feel better so don’t try to tell them all of the reason that their pain is wrong — it won’t help them.

How do I get my partner to show up in an emotionally intimate way?  This is tough because we can’t control how other people show up in relationships — we can only ask for our needs to be met.  And this is harder than it sounds because if you find yourself in relationships with partners who don’t show up in an emotionally intimate way, it may not be entirely accidental.  If you grew up in a home where your needs and wants were not always considered, particularly in homes with substance use or chaos, you may feel comfortable with people who dismiss your feelings, even though intellectually, you may know this is not what you want. We sometimes choose partners who can’t meet our emotional needs because it feels familiar.

The core to shifting this dynamic is tolerating the discomfort of checking in with your wants and needs and asking them to be met.  Set your partner, friend or loved one up for success by asking them to listen and empathize rather than trying to fix or explain.  If your partner is capable of this, you are helping them to show up for you (although it will likely take time and discomfort from them to get it right) by telling them how to do it.

If you tell your partner how to show up for you and discover that your partner is not willing or capable of the emotional intimacy you crave, the next conversation is whether that’s okay with you and if it is not, why do you choose partners who are intimacy avoidant.  Intimacy avoidance is often present in relationships with substance use issues or infidelity.  People turn to substances to escape difficult feelings rather than express them.  The same is true of affairs. If you have a history of intimacy avoidance in relationships, the work for you is figuring out how you end up there so you stop traveling that path.  

The subject of emotional intimacy comes up often in my office with clients who find that they keep choosing intimacy avoidant partners despite feeling like they have chosen someone totally different.

 It’s an obstacle in marriages when partners feel disconnected and alone in their relationships.  

It’s often an impediment to sexual intimacy and impacts our sexual relationship with our partner— when we feel emotionally disconnected, one or both partners may also feel less interested in sexual intimacy. Sexual and emotional intimacy tend to come and go together.

And it’s an issue for clients who realize that they are intimacy avoidant themselves and need to tolerate the discomfort of showing up in an emotionally intimate way in order to level up their relationships and feel connected in the ways that they crave.  

If you keep choosing emotionally avoidant partners or struggle with emotional intimacy in your relationships, you likely are struggling with some intimacy avoidance as well. You can’t change other people, but you can always change you— although it requires discomfort, it’s usually worth it. And if you’re going to the place of “that’s just the way I am,” knock it off. We can change the way our brains fire and function when we are willing to tolerate the discomfort that goes along with doing it.

How To Talk To Kids About School Shootings

That I am writing this has me verging on tears. “How to talk to kids about school shootings” are words that should never need to be said. And yet here we are..

This question came up often this week.

The first question is: should I talk to them?

If you’ve worked with me you know that I hate the word “should.” There is no should. But here are some pieces to consider in answering the question of whether or not it’s what you feel is best for your children:

• Is it developmentally appropriate? This also feels like a trick question because it’s never really truly developmentally appropriate to have to discuss this. Sadly, it is part of our reality even though it should not be. This question is really about whether or not your children are able to understand this conceptually.

• Is my child going to hear about this from someone else if they do not hear about it from me? If your child is in elementary school, this is an important consideration. You can not keep other kids from talking about what happened and the way they talk about it might not be the way you want your child to hear about it.

• Am I ready to have this conversation? Can I offer my child what they need? Another trick question. Nobody is truly ready to have this conversation, nor should we be. The question is really about whether you are able to regulate your own emotion around it enough to help your children feel calm and safe when having this conversation. They need to feel safe and if you aren’t able to calmly have this conversation, you may need to wait and regulate yourself before you can talk to your children.

The next question is ‘what do I say.’ And this depends on your child’s age. You need to meet them where they are and understand where they are so if you are not sure, ask questions. “Have you heard anything about what happened?” is a good place to start.

I will tell you what I chose to share but I am not telling you that this is what you “should” share. It’s more just a place to consider as you conceptualize how you want to frame this talk. I have a 15yo daughter and twins (boy/girl) who are 9yo. My teenager had already been posting to Instagram about this and mentioned it briefly in the car. She was afraid that I would scare my twins and so I was mindful of this.

I told them that something terrible happened in Texas at a school and that people died including children and it should never have happened and it’s horrific that it did. I also told them that most children on most days at most schools never experience anything like this. I assured them that they, like most school children, are safe and being cared for and that this tragedy is not something that happens often or that they should expect to happen at their school. I also made sure they understood that their schools are a safe place and protect them.

My oldest daughter became angry and reminded me that it has happened 27 times this year. And by the way, if it happens once, it’s unacceptable and too many times. She is correct. But if we’re talking about safety and you add up all of the days that kids go to school and multiply that by how many children are in school, statistically speaking, most of the time, our kids are safe and we need to make them feel safe. Again, this is not dismissing the undeniable truth that if one child is not safe in their school, none of our children are truly safe in their schools. I believe this and I feel this but it is not the message that children need right now. They need to know that they are safe and being cared for. And this is also true.

I then told them that if they had any questions about what happened or about something that they hear about what happened, that they can ask me anything at all and I will be there to answer their questions.

It is important to be mindful of news coverage and what you expose your children to. The news can be salacious and scary so be cautious and turn the TV off when your children are present and there is news coverage.

There are a lot of articles circulating from mental health experts who believe they know what you “should” say and how parents “should” handle this.

Ultimately, you know your kids better than any “mental health expert” including me. You have to choose what’s right for you and your child. However, I think it’s important to remind them that they are safe even though what happened is horrific and unacceptable. Answer their questions in an age-appropriate calm way. Try not to project your very real and understandable adult fears and outrage on them. They are children. Let them be children. It is absolutely okay to let them know that you have feelings about it as long as you are able to communicate this in a way that is calm and doesn’t spark their terror.

You’re a good parent.

This is a hard conversation.

We shouldn’t be having to have it and yet how lucky are we that we get to talk to our children about this when there are parents in Texas who don’t have that luxury.

I can not express my grief for those families in a way that feels remotely adequate. I can not even imagine how devastating it must be to send your child to school and have them not come back.

I too feel outrage and anger that this keeps happening.

Lessons in Falling Down

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I fell and broke my face on a beautiful Spring morning.

It was April 3, 2021. I went for a long run and about a mile and a half into it, my face slammed into the pavement. I don’t remember why I fell but my hands did not catch me and I can vividly remember the crunch of my face hitting the ground and blood pouring out of my nose.

The ER Doctor told me that my nose would never look the same again.

My therapist asked me what the lesson was in the fall. I have spent a year thinking about this very question and these are the lessons I came up with.

1. No matter how alone I may sometimes feel, I am never alone. I needed help and it was everywhere. Friends, family, my kids, strangers. When I fell, a stranger named Martha saw me bleeding, walking home and she gave me a ride, even during a pandemic. Reaching out to friends for help is not my strength but I did it because I had to (they don’t let you take an uber home after surgery), and I felt so cared for. Friends were everywhere and I am forever grateful.

2. People are kind. This includes my clients. For a week, I had a surgical sponge stuffed up my nose. One time and one time only, it spontaneously dripped blood. Of course this happened while in session with a client. And my client was so kind about it along with all of my other clients who sat with me in sessions while my face turned colors and swelled.

3. I am resilient. Truth be told, I have fallen a lot of times in my life, metaphorically and physically too. I always get back up. I am always okay. And this is the first time I ever broke a bone.

4. I’m never going to let someone tell me what I am going to look like. The ER Doctor was lovely and kind but he can suck it because my nose looks the same despite him telling me that it never would. It took finding an amazing surgeon (thank you, Dr. Michael Newman in Torrance), but my nose looks exactly the same.

5. I don’t run with my hands facing up anymore. I liked to run with my hands facing toward the sky and I think that may be why my hands couldn’t brace my fall. I run with my palms down now. This holds true in all of life. Enjoy the run, be prepared for the fall. This doesn’t mean anticipate the fall or live in fear of the fall (although it took me a while to be able to run without doing this too), but it does mean to run knowing that falls happen sometimes and so I need to make sure I can support myself if and when they do.

6. Self-care heals, self-care cures, self-care prevents. But it’s not everything. Falls happen. Sometimes out of nowhere on a beautiful day when engaging in a mindful act of self-care.

7. Blame the ground. Yes, I do blame the ground. It was uneven where I fell. I won’t cross that street anymore (although I can’t remember exactly which one it was so I avoid a whole stretch). But here’s the kicker, as much as I want to blame the ground, I am grateful for it too. In every other moment of my life, the ground has been there to support me.

It hurt to wear glasses for a long time and for months I crossed streets with my hands out-stretched like a mummy terrified of falling.

But I am okay despite breaking my face and despite the fall.

Falls happen. Get back up. Keep going.

There are always lessons in the fall and they are always worth finding.

Setting Intentions Can Change Your Life: Here's Why

Recently, I was asked to contribute to an article about Intention setting. And that got me thinking about intentions and their value. I set intentions every year and find them transformative. But why? That’s what I have been thinking about and this is what I came up with…

If you look for something, you find it. It’s strange but true. You may not think about the white Teslas you drive by but if you set the intention to notice them, you will see them everywhere.

I don’t like New Years Resolutions. Lose weight. Make more money. Get married. It’s all hollow. None of it matters. It’s the core of it that matters and that’s where setting intentions can be meaningful.

Losing weight is about feeling healthy and confident. Set the intention to create a healthy life and build confidence, and you will look for opportunities to do that and they are far more meaningful than a number on the scale. Making more money is about financial security. Set the intention to create financial security and you will find the opportunities that allow you to build your wealth in a way that lasts. Getting married is about creating a lasting relationship. Set the intention to find a good partner or work on your relationship and the pay-off will be exponentially more than a ring.

Intentions can be about finding answers or creating space. I intend to create more space to write and so I will look for those gaps of time to make that happen. The year I left my marriage, I set the intention to get clarity on the relationship that I had with my then-husband. I did and that’s the year I went through a divorce. Setting that intention, while a painful reality-check, was life-changing and necessary.

When setting intentions, it’s important to think about where you need shifts and what you want to grow or build for yourself. By setting the intention, you will create a mindset that helps you see and look for opportunities to make it happen.

And here’s a link to the article I was asked to contribute to about Intention Setting.

https://www.rent.com/blog/set-intentions-for-the-new-year/

Does It Feel Like Everything Is Coming Unglued?

When life gets hard, sometimes it gets really hard.  If you’re going through a divorce, this is likely something you’ve learned the hard way.  I certainly did. 

Around the same time my wasband moved out, my son flooded the house during a “nap.”  

He crawled out of my bed, climbed into the bathroom sink, plugged it up and let the water run for two hours.  I thought it was a blissful nap— turns out, it was a $20k insurance claim.  

The walls and floors soaked up all of the water and had to be dried and replaced.  If you’ve ever been through a water damage scenario, you know how much this sucks.  It wasn’t just costly and messy, it was exhausting managing the claim and having workers in the house at all times.  

Around that same time, our family dog was diagnosed with both a heart condition and skin cancer, and required interventions for both.  

My oven broke.  

My computer broke. 

 It was too much.  I felt like the wheels were coming off and I would never get through it.

Divorce is like that sometimes.  When a marriage falls apart, sometimes a lot of other things also crash and burn.  

But here’s the thing about the flood— my kids and I had to move out of the house for a week while the floors were replaced.  Our insurance paid for us to stay at a hotel on the beach.  It was a heat wave in November and we got to play in the ocean every day.  

My kids and I played and found lightness.  It didn’t fix everything but the memory of that week almost made the misery of the flood worth it.  

Almost.   

The reason I share this story is simple— if it feels like everything is falling apart and you will never get through this divorce, know this— it’s going to be sunny in November and if you’re lucky you’ll get to catch a few waves.  These moments of pain or even agony give rise to surrender.  You will remember what you overcame and the grace (and don’t worry, it’s not all graceful for anyone) with which you did it.

It won’t always feel this overwhelming.

You got this!  

Whitney Boole

P.S. If you want my help navigating the dumpster fire that your life post-divorce can look (and feel) like, make sure you check out Healing Through Divorce. I created it to take you from ground zero to your happily ever after.

>> Check it out here.

Divorce: Learn From My $500 Meltdown So You Don't Have One Too

This is painful but I’m going to share it anyway.  

I’m going to tell you about my $500 meltdown... so that you get a glimpse of what NOT TO DO.  

I was meeting my husband for a session with the mediator to begin going over details of our divorce.  

I did not trust him with our children at the time because he felt too unhinged.  I was scared.  I was unhinged myself-- if only I could have seen that then.

So we meet with the mediator and the ex starts attacking me, berating me, scaring me--  and my brain couldn’t regulate.  

I brought a psychological evaluation that the ex had taken years prior and I threw it on the table and went off about how he was not fit to be a parent like I was in some procedural television drama.  The was-band started yelling and screaming, I shut down, suddenly the mediator was playing referee and coaxing my ex to return to the table which he refused to do.  I was crying, sobbing, broken, scared.  The whole event took about an hour, maybe more.  The mediator billed me $500 for the time spent.  

It was a costly mistake and this is the lesson I learned from the absurdity of the ordeal:

Investing in self-care saves money.  

If I had been able to regulate myself, prepare properly for the session, understand the law a little better, then perhaps I would have been able to avoid this costly meltdown.  

Learn from my mistake:  Invest in you.  Take care of you.  I created resources so that other divorcing humans wouldn’t make the same bonehead mistakes I did.  

Investing in yourself will save you money down the road.

Do whatever it takes to heal your grief, to heal your trauma-- believe it or not, that healing may pay off in your emotional, physical, and financial health and this mistake I made is a profound example of how.

If I had gone into that session more clear-headed, more aware of my rights, and more able to communicate what I needed, I would have saved far more than $500— I might have accomplished something in that meeting and subsequent meetings and calls that weren’t much different.  It could have saved me thousands of dollars on attorney’s fees.  

So if you’re feeling guilty for spending money on self-care, think again.  It might be saving you far more than you realize.

PS: If you want to join my MASTERCLASS about the 3 Mistakes that Keep Women From Living Their Best Lives and What You Can Do About it right now, it’s free and available here.

Divorce: Moments That Make You Miss Your Ex-- What They Mean and What They Don't Mean

Have you ever had a rat problem?  I don’t mean your ex -- I mean a legit rat?  

There are few times when I have wished to have a husband since I have been divorced but last summer, I wished I had a man in the house when a couple of rats found their way into my home.

Let me tell you how it started -- my kids to whom I constantly bark, ‘don’t leave the balcony door open or else the rats will get in,’ totally ignored me on a hot day and guess what happened?  

Yeah, you guessed it. 

Rats got in.

I heard the scratching on a night when I was all alone at home.  I felt like I was in a horror movie but it got WORSE.  I found rat droppings all over my house.  It was disgusting. 

Doug the Exterminator, my knight in shining armor put out rat traps but turns out he was not a rat ninja and could not find them and remove them the way that I had hoped.  I eventually discovered that they were living under the cabinet in my bathroom.  He set down glue traps and one night at 12am, I caught a rat.  

Once again, I was all alone at home.  There was a rat squealing, screaming, in my bathroom.  I wanted to run away.  It was horrifying.  

There’s a reason I am telling you this story.  

I texted my nephew, my neighbor, two friends and the exterminator.  Thirty minutes later, my neighbor came over and helped me.  

The moral of the story:  You do not need a husband.   

You do need a support system. 

So go get it.  Build it.  Right now.  It can not wait.  

You need to create this for yourself. You never know when the rats will get in.  

PS: If you want to join my MASTERCLASS about the 3 Mistakes that Keep Women From Living Their Best Lives and What You Can Do About it right now, it’s free and available here.

Telling the Kids About Your Divorce -- Five Things You Should Know and Why This Conversation Can Be A Gift

When it was time for me to tell my then-eight-year-old daughter that I was getting a divorce and her father would no longer be living with us, I was terrified. I read articles, I called therapists, and I put it off because I was scared to hurt her. My twins were only two and had no idea what was going on at the time, but my daughter would understand. She knew and feared divorce just like most kids her age. I was terrified that I would do it wrong and that I would scar her forever.

In my private practice, clients often come to me with this same terror and I can offer genuine comfort because I get it and I know that this conversation is an opportunity for growth and healing. It does not have to be traumatic and rarely is traumatic when parents are respectful and tolerate their child’s feelings around it.

Telling kids about divorce is scary because you’re a good parent and you care. That alone means that you’re going to be fine. Here are some tips to make it go as smoothly as possible:

1. Reassure them that it’s not their fault. Kids are normally developmentally ego-centric which means that they make up that everything good and everything bad is about them. They need constant reassurance that it is not their fault, even if you think they already know.

2. Let them know how this impacts them, and make big changes gradually if possible. They need to understand how this will impact them in the immediate future. Letting them know that they will still get to see and spend time with both parents is important (assuming that’s true and hopefully it is). Keeping their lives as consistent as possible for at least the near future is ideal so that they don’t feel like the rug got pulled out from under them. Big changes should come gradually if possible. Let them know how this impacts their daily routine even if the impact is minimal as they may imagine something far more drastic than you have planned.

3. Put aside your differences and present a united front. This conversation is best had with both parents present. If you hate your ex and they did horrible things to you, for the sake of this conversation, you need to put all of that away and show up for your kids together for this conversation. If both parents are not willing to do this, it’s important that the parent presenting the divorce does not badmouth or blame the other parent — it will only hurt your kids. Remember, they are half the other parent — when you trash their other parent, you trash a part of them.

4. Stay calm and collected as much as possible. Your tone informs their level of fear. If you are yelling, sobbing, or shaking, you are going to scare the hell out of your kids by communicating with nonverbal cues that they should be frightened. While this is a hard conversation to have, you don’t want to convey to your kids that something horrific and scary is in the works so try not to act like this is horrific and scary. Your kids really need to feel like you have a handle on this and that they will be okay. It’s up to you to show them that. Save the conversations about your deep fears for your friends and therapist — your kids are not the people to work this out with.

5. Be honest, but have boundaries. Don’t tell them dad is out of town on business for months at a time — they will know something is not right and likely make up that it has to do with them. Still, they do not need to know the gory details of your divorce. Do not enmesh your kids by confiding in them about how your partner hurt you. It’s not your child’s job to hold that. They may have questions— be aware of where they are developmentally when answering those questions. A young child needs and understands very little information pertinent to divorce. An older child or teenager may understand more and while if there is another man or woman in the picture, it’s important to be honest about that if that person will be in your kid’s life, it’s still important to have boundaries with your children. Divorce is heavy — your kids don’t need to hold that. What do they really need to know? It may not match up with what you are itching to tell them and it’s your job to make your kids your top priority during this conversation.

This is how I did it: my then-husband and I sat down with our daughter and explained calmly that he was going to be moving out of the house and that we were getting a divorce. At first my daughter screamed loudly and then when she calmed down, we explained how it would impact her. We told her that we both still loved her and that dad had been sleeping on the sofa for several months now and would be sleeping somewhere about 5 minutes from our house instead. While many months later, we did have to move and there were bigger changes, we didn’t scare her with those details then. We didn’t know what it would look like then and she didn’t need to worry about it. We told her that none of this was her fault or her siblings’ fault (they were only two and did not require a conversation). We assured her that her daily life would stay the same and that she would get to spend time with us both just as she always had. We kept our cool.

It’s been many years since that conversation happened and my daughter says that our divorce was not that big of a deal for her. I imagine she still misses having her family all under one roof but it didn’t screw her up. And her siblings who are now seven sometimes ask why we can’t all live together and my heart breaks for them. But they are all okay and they feel safe and that’s what matters.

This conversation is scary and hard. I get it, I really do. Having this conversation in a kind, calm, respectful way helps them to feel safe even amidst big life changes and that is a gift that they will have even after the conversation ends. You are showing them that even during stressful changes, they will be safe. You are teaching them that you can tolerate their big feelings (if they have them… and they may not seem to in the moment.) You are helping them understand that difficult transitions are not the end of the world and that you (and they) will be okay.

And you will be okay. This conversation is often harder on the parents than it is for kids. So be gentle with yourself.

If you want more help with this conversation, I built ‘Mastering the Talk’ as a foolproof system to help you connect to your kids and avoid the pitfalls that create unnecessary pain for the kids, and you. It includes everything you, your Ex, and your kids needs to navigate this difficult conversation as painlessly as possible.

Four-Legged Loves: Beautiful Joy, Excruciating Pain

For all of you out there who have lost a pet, I want you to know I am thinking of you today. For all of you who understand the joy of loving and the pain of grieving a four-legged-animal, I am here with you. My daughter when we first had to discuss the reality that our dog was in pain said it beautifully, “Why does anybody get a dog when they’re just going to die?” Why would anybody put themselves through the inevitable pain of loss? And anybody who has a pet and loves a pet knows the answer to that question too and there aren’t really words that do it justice. You all know how much it hurts to say goodbye or make that choice to let them go and end the suffering.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my daughter’s questions and what it means to love and lose in life. So much of life is love and loss — happy transitions, moments of joy and painful transitions, moments of pain. It gives life such texture, sometimes feeling beautiful and amazing and other times feeling cruel and excruciating. In some ways the love of a pet is the best example of this.

It was about ten years ago when my daughter and I went to the Downey shelter to look at dogs. I had never had a dog before and was blissfully ignorant. As we walked down the hall of cages and the dogs barked at us, one dog made eye contact, sat and lifted her paw to greet us. We adopted her on the spot. I loaded her into the back of my SUV and she crawled through to the passenger cabin, sat beside my daughter’s car seat and rested her paw on my daughter’s leg. Raja was never a perfect dog. In difficult times when I cried, she growled at me. She jumped up on toddlers knocking them to the ground and licked their faces until they were sobbing sometimes. She was not good with other dogs and never socialized well. But she loved us and we loved her. My kids melted in her kisses and loved being knocked to the floor. She loved us and walked us through other difficult transitions in life — divorce, loss, struggle. She was always there for us even if she growled at bad times — and as she got older, she did learn to comfort in those moments.

Last week, I was at Dick’s Sporting Goods and my twins were behaving like monsters— all the good stuff: wrestling, whining, tattling. I was losing it and the cashier who was an older woman said to me, “Believe it or not, one day you’re going to miss this.” I know that she’s right. And this is also a window into the reality that nothing lasts forever. With the loss of a pet it’s painfully clear. But those moments, good and bad, it’s less clear and still equally true. They won’t always be this small and they won’t always care about where I stand on who hit who and why.

We know in life that all things, good and bad, will come and go. Everything is temporary. There is light and there is also dark. There is beauty and there is also pain. The life of a pet is perhaps one of the greatest examples of this very phenomenon. Because most of the time, we know how it ends when we go into it. We know that we will likely outlive them. We choose to love them and enjoy them knowing that the end will be painful and also knowing that it will be worth it. But this painful truth is not just about our pets — it’s all of life: the moment at Dick’s when I want to run screaming out of the store and the moments at home when I relish watching my children dress up the dog like a flower.

This past weekend, I had an epic war with a rat in my house. It was grueling and Raja was there with me through it all. Raja has helped me get through so much and it is so painful to think about not having her there anymore. And she’s not there anymore — yesterday was her last day with us. Feeling her absence in our morning routine and in our quiet house has been so hard for me and my kids— and it has only been one day. She wasn’t there to take me for my morning walk and this was the first morning that it occurred to me that it was indeed my morning walk and I needed that walk with her as much as she did.

Goodbye, Raja. We loved you deeply. We will always love you deeply.

And to all of you who know the love and loss of a four-legged friend, I send you love and light. Man, this hurts. And no reading of the ‘rainbow bridge’ takes away the pain.

The dish fairy dynamic: Why doing the dishes may save your marriage.

Sometimes, I have days in my practice where there’s a theme that comes up over and over on my sofa in a single day. It doesn’t happen often that the same issues weave through like that but it happened recently and it’s an issue that comes up A LOT. I want to talk about it.

I want to talk about doing the dishes and what happens when a wife asks her husband to do the dishes (or when the dynamic is reversed).

This may not seem like an important issue but it’s more important than you think. Sometimes, husbands (or wives) respond with “I will do it in a little while,” and then sometimes they forget and the dish fairy comes later that day and the dishes magically get done anyway so it works out just fine as far as they are concerned.

But this is an illusion.

It’s not fine.

And it really doesn’t have very much to do with the dishes at all.

When someone asks for help doing the dishes, what they are really saying is this: “I am feeling overwhelmed and I need some help and support here. Could you please show up for me?” When the dishes don’t get done, the answer feels like a “Nope, you’re on your own, do it yourself — I just don’t care enough to be bothered to help you” and that often feels like abandonment and far more overwhelm than a sink full of dirty dishes.

The underlying issue is not the dishes. Or whatever the chore is the subject of fairy magic.

The underlying issue is needing a partner to show up and get dirty doing the stuff that isn’t fun that has to get done.

The underlying issue is feeling like you are not alone in this.

When the dish fairy has to take care of the dishes, it feels like you’re on your own and that you don’t have a partner. Resentment builds along with a painful dynamic that eats away at even the best of relationships in which one partner (the dish fairy) eventually feels like they have to nag their partner in order to get them to do anything and so they give up and resent their partner for abandoning them. This often leads them to view, or even treat, their partner as though they are another child they have to care for and nag. Their spouse inevitably feels the sting of the resentment, their bitterness and hostility, and often doesn’t understand why. Nothing they do is ever good enough so why bother. They stop trying. Their partner treats them like a child. It creates disconnect and builds tension in the relationship which is the opposite of what either partner wants.

There is no dish fairy. There is just a partner who feels alone and maybe even abandoned.

Little things like the dishes that need to get done, the toilets that need to be cleaned, and the trash that needs to be taken out are opportunities to show up for your partner and remind them that you’re in it too. When one partner doesn’t show up, it create walls in the relationship. That may sound silly. But it’s never about the dishes or the toilets or the garbage — it cuts deeper, it’s more important.

And so if you don’t want this dynamic to erode your relationship, my advice to you is simple — take out the trash before you’re asked, do the dishes now and not later, surprise your partner by cleaning the toilets without being asked at all. You may be surprised by the pay-off in this — your partner feels supported, loved, and connected.

You’re showing up for them. They will want to show up for you too.

And if this dynamic has taken hold and it feels like too much to overcome, couples therapy can help. Couples often wait years before addressing these issues because they fear going to couples therapy means there’s something wrong with their relationship. In my work, I find the opposite is true — couples who come to therapy do so because they value their relationship so much that they will do whatever it takes to keep it.

You Lie to Yourself -- The Truth About Impostor Syndrome

Do you ever have moments when you feel like a fraud and think you’ll be found out? You’re not really that good? Everyone will discover the truth and it will all come falling down? They think you know more than you do? Other people who do the same thing you do are better than you will ever be? You’re a fraud and it’s only a matter of time before everyone finds this out? They will laugh at you and think you are an idiot? Does any of this feel familiar to you? Maybe it doesn’t happen all of the time. Maybe it’s just when you’re taking a risk or trying something out of your comfort zone. Maybe it comes on the heels of criticism. But however it comes, there’s something you need to know:

Those are lies you tell yourself. And many people do this exact same thing even when they are doing the very things that you admire and look up to.

Years ago, when I was working in television, I came into the office early one morning and one of the executive producer-level writers on the TV show I was working on was there too because he had pulled an all-nighter. He looked rough — unshaven, tired. He told me something that shocked me — he felt like he was a fraud and he was one bad script away from being found out. At the time, I was a Writer’s Assistant and this shocked me. He was doing everything I dreamt of, top of his game, and he still didn’t feel good enough. I was sure that if I could just write one produced episode of television, I would feel validated as a writer. And then I did. But when my first ‘written by’ credit aired on TV for all to see, I discovered his truth — I still felt like a fraud, just like he did.

This theme comes up with my clients often. Clients often bring it to me like a deep dark secret — the truth is that they are not good enough and everybody is about to find this out. No, no, no. That is not the truth. That’s the lie. You lie to yourself because you’re terrified. You’re terrified that you’re not good enough. Well guess what — you wouldn’t have this opportunity if you weren’t. You made it happen. You are not a fraud. It might be hard, but you rise. That’s how you got here and that’s how you stay there.

I know this storyline so very well and I help my clients navigate their own Impostor Syndrome when it comes up. And now as I prepare to publish my first book, I am feeling all of this deeply and intensely. Impostor Syndrome is real, ladies and gentlemen. It is so very real.

And I the therapist who helps people soothe their own Impostor Syndrome is also the Impostor understanding the lie and yet perpetuating it within myself. See, I’m a total fraud… a therapist who can’t help herself with the very things she helps her clients with… a flawed, broken human. And a liar, to myself at least… just like some of you.

Try not to believe the lies. I’m trying too.

I never expected this

At the end of last year, I decided to try to create a Facebook group for people struggling through divorce and wanting to heal. I honestly had no idea what I was doing. I have low expectations of social media and didn’t expect much. I just put up a random post with a picture that I took of the pier by my office and hoped people would join.

At first it was slow and I thought it wasn’t going to work. I begged a few divorced friends to join so there would be somebody in it. But then all of a sudden, it took off. I created the group in November and in five months, the group grew to over 1300 members. But what’s amazing about this group is not how many people are in it — what blows me away is the level of support and kindness inside of it.

I never expected this.

These 1300+ people live all over the country, some even in other parts of the world. They come from different backgrounds. They have different beliefs. The only thing that every single one of them has in common is that they have been through or are going through a painful break-up and want to heal and feel empowered through it. They show up for each other in this group. They generously share their stories, their struggles, their fears, their hopes, their sorrows. And they support everybody else who has done the same. Because they get it. No matter how different they are, they get each other.

While I created the space, it’s the people inside of the group who gave it life and filled it with love. I am inspired by the people in this group every day.

In this group, I am reminded of what it means to be vulnerable and supportive in a meaningful, raw and authentic way.

I am reminded that healing comes through connection and that we all want to be seen and heard.

I see what it means to straighten each other’s crowns. Every day.

Kindness is real. True love is real. Divorce is not an obstacle for either of those two things.

To every member of the You Got This: Healing Through Divorce Group on Facebook, thank you for this unexpected gift. I have learned so much from this group and I am grateful for the daily reminders of kindness and love.

Do therapists really care or is it just a job?

Does your therapist really care about you?  This comes up with clients a lot — they want to know if the caring they feel from me is real. I went for a walk with a therapist friend this week and we talked about this. Do you want to know the truth?

Yes. We care. 

If you feel genuinely cared for by your therapist, it’s real. It’s too hard to fake that. And the truth is that most therapists (myself and the therapists I refer to) care too much.  We do think about you outside of session. We consult with each other (keeping your confidentiality sacred of course) because we want to make sure we are doing the best we can for you.  Sometimes we, or at least I, stay awake thinking about my clients and what they are needing. I feel honored that they trust me with their trauma, their pain, their struggles.  

Yeah, I know sometimes you may wonder if you just pay us to care but we genuinely do care. Or at least I do. Sincerely. We need to make a living but we couldn’t do this work well if the connection wasn’t there.  

Recently, I saw a former client at Target and I wanted desperately to run and ask her how she’s doing. Because I want to know. I tell my clients that I won’t approach them unless they approach me first out of respect for their confidentiality so I didn’t approach her. If she did see me, I was not dressed the part of therapist — I looked more disheveled mom that day— she might not have even recognized me and if she did, I might have scared her. When former clients reach out and send me an email letting me know how they are doing and how our work together has impacted them, it makes my day. I love it.  

Anyway, my point is this: If you are my client or ever have been my client and you have felt cared for by me, I wasn’t faking it. I care.  I really do. And if you’re someone else’s client and you wonder if your therapist really cares about you, chances are that they do too. 

The Secret Wounds of Infidelity— It’s not because you weren’t enough

If you’ve been betrayed in a relationship, there’s something you really need to hear and if you’re like most of the people who sit on my couch in my office, it might be hard to take in:

Your partner’s infidelity was not about your worth. It was not your fault. It did not happen because you are not good enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough — it had nothing at all to do with you being enough— even if your partner has said otherwise. When somebody cheats, it has nothing to do with their partner being “enough” of anything. Cheating is a choice and no matter what was happening in your marriage at the time, you are never responsible for your partner’s choice. The choices a person makes are about them, same as your choices are about you.

If this is hard to take in, you are not alone. I have clients who are beautiful, fascinating, intelligent, sexy and incredible women who wrestle with these very same fears that they are not enough for their partner as a result of their partner’s betrayal. There’s a reason for this. When something traumatic happens, our mind tries to make meaning out of it and we often cling to negative cognitions (like “I’m not good enough”) as a way of understanding. We even clump it together with other traumas where we have arrived at the same negative cognition. It’s self-sabotage, it’s unkind, and it’s human. But it is not truth.

Additionally, sometimes partners who cheat also gaslight and tell their partner that they are to blame for their sexual acting out. It’s easier for them to put the blame on you than it is to feel the shame and disappointment that comes with taking responsibility for their own behaviors. Their discomfort with accepting responsibility for their actions is also not about you.

If someone across from you drops a plate, are you responsible for dropping it? Of course not. And yet people who have been betrayed in relationships often take responsibility for the affair as though they caused it.

If you’re noticing that you’re feeling less than enough, I encourage you to remind yourself that you are enough and treat yourself accordingly. Be extra kind to yourself right now — increase your self care as much as possible. You are not responsible for another person’s choices. Does this mean you’re not responsible for the problems in your marriage? No — a marriage has two people. Your choices impact your marriage too. The hard part about healing after infidelity is that the trauma of the betrayal sometimes gets in the way of sifting through the other issues in the marriage. Addressing the infidelity and its impact on both partners comes first. And then, in its wake, there comes a rebuilding of the relationship that addresses the other issues and ruptures in intimacy, both sexual and emotional. The sting of the trauma and the loss of trust and sometimes even self-esteem that follows, makes this process a challenge. And yet people do it and go on to have stronger, healthier, more connected marriages as a result.

And some people don’t. Sometimes infidelity ends marriages. In my Facebook Group “Healing Through Divorce,” I see people feeling as though they were left for another woman. These people often wonder about their ex’s happy life with their new person. But the person who betrays in one relationship is still that same person who betrays regardless of who they are with now. Without doing the deeper work to address the issues that led them there, they just carry the same issues into the next relationship. A new partner may be exciting and euphoric for a while but when real life sets in, reality does too.

Infidelity hurts. Honestly, it took me years to believe that the betrayals in my marriage were not a reflection of my own worth. And I share this with you only because I want you to understand that you are not alone in that place. And that you don’t need to be there. Writing this here is hard and incredibly uncomfortable for me because I too struggle with feeling shame around the reality of what I endured in my marriage. Often, the person who has been betrayed feels shame for their partner’s behavior. It’s unfair. If your partner betrayed you, please try to remember that it was not about you and thus, it’s not your shame to hold.

You are enough.

It’s not your fault.

Treat yourself with kindness and love, and you will heal.

And if you have a friend or know someone going through a divorce, try to understand that as scandalous as their partners’ behaviors may be to gossip about, you are touching an open painful wound. Be gentle, be understanding, be kind.

The wounds of infidelity run deep.

Do you want to get off the whirly ride? Do it — Slow Down, Stop the Noise.

Do you ever feel like you can’t keep up? Everything is moving forward, you have to forge ahead while keeping all the balls in the air, your day is scheduled with work and family and kids, you don’t have a moment of calm from the time you wake up until you go to bed and then you wake up and do it all over again the very next day…

Can you relate? I can. Geez… it’s exhausting.

It’s so fast-paced. It never stops. When a client compared it to a whirly ride, I knew exactly what he meant. I’m on this Beach Cities Health District Mental Health Task Force which is looking at the mental health of our local teens. And the question comes up — why are our kids struggling? Why do they feel so pressured? Their parents claim that they aren’t pressuring them and yet these teens feel pushed to the brink. My theory —it is because their parents don’t have to say anything for them to understand. Their parents are living and breathing the very same thing. When we exist on this whirly ride that never stops, we are showing our children that this is what life is and what it’s supposed to be.

We live in a culture that values being busy and exhausted but the problem with this is that we end up feeling overwhelmed and rundown.

When someone asks you how you’re doing, it’s almost taboo not to say “busy.'“ Why? Why do we have to be so ridiculously busy all the time?

To tell you the truth, I don’t know the solution to this. I know it’s a problem, but I don’t know how to fix it exactly. I live and breathe it myself. Every day. Running around, always feeling like it’s never enough and I can’t get it all done. I do my best and still, I have to go up and down the stairs between the laundry room and my room because I never get around to putting all my clothes away. And all I have is this—

We need to model self-care too. We need to get off the whirly ride sometimes and take a breath. And maybe it’s okay to miss a practice now and again or to take a day off from all of it, not because you’re sick. Because you need time off the whirly ride before you throw up over the side of it or really do get sick and have to stay home.

We live fast paced lives of constant movement and exhaustion. Our children watch us do it and learn that they must do it even when we communicate otherwise to them.

What would it be like if we didn’t have to always be on the whirly ride like this? How do we collectively make it stop?

Do your part. Slow down. Just for a moment. Let your kids slow down. Don’t fill your quiet moments with the noise of social media or mindless television. Notice what it’s like to just be for a few minutes. Just be. Let your kids do the same.

Get off the whirly ride and remember what it feels like to be off of it.

From pain to Power: one woman’s journey through Divorce

In the “You Got This: Healing Through Divorce” Group I created on Facebook, I see a lot of women wanting to see that there is hope. And there is.

The following is an interview with a friend who I will call Lin (she wants to remain Anonymous) who went through an excruciatingly painful divorce and rebuilt her life afterward. She is remarried, happy, and thriving at the top of her game professionally. I asked her to share her story because she inspires me and I think she will inspire others who are struggling through divorce too.

This is Lin:

Me: Do you remember the day you knew your marriage was over?

Lin: When my ex-husband was caught using drugs for a second time during rehab.

Me: What was the hardest/worst part of your divorce?

Lin: Losing time with my daughter and having her spend time with a person I no longer trusted or felt was safe or a good influence.

Me: How did you get through it?

Lin: I think mostly it took time, patience with myself, and the support of friends and family. We have been separated more than 10 years and our divorce went final 9 years ago, and I still miss her when my daughter is gone. I still don’t particularly trust (nor respect) her dad. I still worry. But it is more the dull ache than the sharp pain if that makes sense. Being with people I love and respect and filling time with things I enjoy and are meaningful to me worked. I felt like I could get back to “me” (who I was without a toxic influence.)

Me: What did you learn about yourself as a result of your divorce?

Lin: Just the continued reinforcement that, actually, I am a good person, and I have amazing friends and family… that I am strong and capable (which, honestly, I knew but the reminder was nice, after a while with an emotionally abusive person who told me otherwise)… that being away from my daughter, however painful, was far better than staying in a horrible situation… I was reminded who are my real friends (vs. the people who never reached out). I was allowed to remember that my religious traditions and faith are important to me and to enjoy them. I restarted sports I love, like skiing. I learned that I need things orderly in my house and that living with anyone who couldn’t respect that would be a non-starter. I learned that I love my crockpot and that cooking a meal for the family means a lot to me.

Me: What have you accomplished or gained in your life since your divorce that you did not expect before?

Lin: Hmmmm…. not sure. I didn’t “expect” to find love again, but I’m not like ‘surprised’ that I did. I had some career success, but I earned it.

Me: Any advice or words of wisdom to someone who is going through divorce right now?

Lin: The light at the end of the proverbial tunnel looks far away and probably like a train. It is not. It is sunlight, and peace, and freedom. To be your best self, be patient. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Don’t work too hard to maintain relationships that aren’t healthy, that includes friends. Be close with the ones who nurture your soul. When you feel you have time, get a puppy. There’s nothing like puppy love.

Thank you, Lin. XOXO

This is part of my “There Are Lanterns” series where I am consistently reminded of how much inspiration can come from another person’s journey.

Caterpillars must end their existence as caterpillars to become butterflies. Diamonds exist after intense heat and pressure. Flowers only bloom after the bud has broken open. Sometimes it takes moving through the darkness to create light.

Our pain creates our story which fuels growth and power. Sometimes we have to tolerate discomfort and move through darkness to create light and healing. But we don’t have to do it alone. Others have moved through that darkness too and we can use them as lanterns along the way, learning from their journeys and their growth as a means to understand our own.

Divorce is Trauma

In my practice, I often see people going through divorce or who have gone through divorce. I also work extensively with people struggling with trauma. Do these seem like two different things to you?

They are not.

Guess what? Divorce is trauma.

This is how the American Psychological Association defines trauma: “Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.”

For those of you going through divorce, does any of that sound familiar?

Even if your divorce feels like a good thing, it is a terrible event in the sense that it challenges your entire sense of self and well-being. You have to re-invent who you are to get through it because before your divorce, your hopes and dreams were tied to somebody else, somebody you have to let go of. That’s not small. Your entire concept of you who you are and who you are going to be just got steamrolled.

In my ‘Healing Through Divorce’ group on Facebook, I often see women lament that they are having difficulty moving on and if that’s where you’re at, I encourage you to have some compassion for yourself here and read the last line of the APA definition of trauma.

The reason you’re having trouble moving on is because you’re going through something traumatic.

How do you heal through trauma? First and foremost, make sure that you feel safe. Set healthy boundaries so that you are safe physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Next, be present — if you connect with the here and now, you will notice that most of the time that you are okay. So take a moment to check in with what’s happening right now— feel your breath, have a sip of water. Finally, be compassionate with yourself. This means upping your self-care — make sure you’re fueling your body, staying hydrated, getting good sleep, exercising and doing things that make you feel good and supported.

Be kind to yourself right now. Divorce isn’t just hard. It’s trauma.

PS: If you want to join my MASTERCLASS about the 3 Mistakes that Keep Women From Living Their Best Lives and What You Can Do About it right now, it’s free and available here.